How to Win An Argument (Not What You Think)
The Level 1 Gamer always gets in dumb arguments with his girlfriend. He shouts at her and she shouts back. He wonders why they always end up fighting. He never feels like he wins, and she always gets her way. He doesn’t have sex for weeks after. They’ll pretend the argument never happened, but she’ll make little passive-aggressive comments so he never forgets.
The Level 100 Gamer loves his girlfriend and she loves him. He always listen’s to his girl’s view, and disagrees respectfully. His girl respects him and never talks shit about him after a fight. In fact, he and his girl get closer with each argument, and the sex only gets better.
I remember one time in med school I was seeing this girl. It was our 6 month anniversary, and we’d gone out to dinner. I can’t remember why, but I got upset about something. I sat there quiet for the rest of the dinner, sulking. How’d that end up? We broke up the next day.
I definitely learned from that experience. Later, I was talking about our relationship with the girl I was seeing at the time. And she told me something I’ll never forget. She said: “you wanna know what’s different about our relationship?” I said “What?” And she said: “In all our time together, we’ve never gotten in an argument.”
I thought about it. She was right. I don’t remember once fighting with her. How was that possible? Then I told her: “I don’t believe in arguments.”
That doesn’t mean I believe in being a simp or agreeing with whatever your girlfriend tells you. Or that I believe in sweeping issues under the rug - definitely not.
I operate in a “no toxic zone” in my relationships.
Meaning that in any problem that comes up, its not “me vs her.”
It’s Us vs. The Problem.
It’s understanding we’re both feeling upset. We treat each other with love, we accept each other with open hearts. So we talk about the ISSUE.
And its our responsibility as men to lead our interactions.
Here’s how not to do this:
Nobody ever teaches us this. In schools they teach us useless crap like abstinence and electron physics equations. What if we learned how to have good relationships instead? Our parents have no idea cause they’re either arguing or pretending the issue doesn’t exist. We can’t ask our guy friends cause they don’t know anything about women or they’re a doormat for their girl. And professionals like therapists or marriage counselors are expensive AF and might not even work.
My parents just had a recent argument. I’ll show you how they handled it. And I’ll show you how I’d handle it.
Our neighbors always agree to feed our cats when my parents go on vacation. To thank them, my mom has the idea to bring the neighbors Indian sweets as thanks. My dad agrees. He happens to be out the next day so he stops by to give the sweets. When he tells my mom, she gets upset and starts crying.
She thought they were going to do it together. In her mind this made the neighbors feel that it was only my dad thanking them, and not them both. But in my dad’s mind, it was obvious they were both thanking them, and he was out anyway so he took care of it.
They argue, which ends when my dad storms out of the house to the gym for 3 hours. When he gets back, they don’t talk about it.
This is the classic couples dilemma. My dad talks logically. My mom talks emotionally.
Keep Reading For How I’d Handle My Parents Argument.
Featured: Not my parents
Step 1) Validation and empathy
One time in college one of my good buddies had just gotten broken up with. Like a good friend, I went over with a 6-pack to comfort him. He was talking about their issues but in a vague way. Then I said “that sounds awful man. Feels like she didn’t care.” And that’s when the floodgates opened up and he started going into the specifics of their problems.
That’s when I realized - empathy and validation helps people bring out the REAL issues, cause they feel like they won’t be shut down for saying it. They’ll feel like we understand them. This is the ultimate social skills secret no one ever ever told you. The best therapists do this.
Acknowledge there’s a disagreement. Validate your lady’s emotions. Put a NAME to the emotion.
So I’d say “Hey babe, you probably feel I ignored you and took the credit. I get that.” I’d keep my voice calm and caring. I’d show with my vocal tone I care about how she’s feeling.
You might feel you’re being fake or its a trick. Yet… I’ve used this strategy in thousands of interactions in my personal relationships or with patients as a psychiatrist. NEVER ONCE have I ever been called out for it.
Who doesn’t crave feeling heard?
IIt’s not “Me vs. Her”
It’s “Us vs. The Problem.”
Step 2) Be Curious About Her Experience.
I remember one time in my own therapy session, I was talking to my therapist about becoming a strong leader. I said “while I’m not a big Trump fan, I respect how he was able to convince half the country to vote for him despite having no political experience.” Then guess what? She makes a disgusted face and goes “wow you like that horrible man?!” I’d always liked my therapist, but I lost some respect for her when she said that. That comment instantly made me shut down and not want to share any more in that session. Which is NOT what you want in therapy. (She apologized next session and we discussed it).
In your girlfriend’s argument, ask her to tell you more about how she’s feeling. Don’t interrupt. Don’t get defensive. Hear her out.
If she’s yelling or upset, do not raise your voice, or get a temper. Maintain your calm, and pretty soon she’ll bring herself down to match you.
I’d say “Tell me about what upset you. I wanna hear you.”
I’d nod throughout, I’d be encouraging saying “Yeah”, “I see what you’re saying”, “I hear you.”
I wouldn’t interrupt, argue, defend myself, or correct her. My goal is to make sure she says what she needs to and feels like I got the message.
Bonus: Sit down side-to-side with her. It’ll bring down both your emotions, let you be reassuring physically, and make your vibe cooperative instead of combative (such as across the table)
Sit Side-By-Side
You’re working together to figure out the problem.
Step 3) Share Your Experience Without Accusing Her
Now here’s your chance to say your side.
I remember one time with a girl I was dating, she flaked on me 2 hours before we were supposed to go out, saying she was feeling tired from work that day. I was pissed off because I pushed away other plans after we agreed to see each other that night. But I didn’t yell, or scream. Here's what I caringly told her:
“Hey. I know you’re feeling tired. Sounds like you had a long day at work, I get that. II hope you see it’s not fair for me to get canceled on. It makes me feel like my time doesn’t matter, because I turned down other plans after I said yes to you. What’re your thoughts on that?”
She agreed with me, and said she would make it up to me next week (which she did).
Let’s walk through what I did: I acknowledged her emotion. I said it with care and empathy. But I also stood up for myself without accusing her, and shared how that affected me. And ended with asking what her thoughts were, so we’d have a DISCUSSION, not an argument.
We Empathize.
But we also stand up for ourselves.
With my parents’ argument I’d say: “I know in your view you felt like I was taking the credit. In my view, I felt like since I was out I could take care of it so you wouldn’t have to worry about it later. I didn’t intend to hurt you. But when you yelled at me for that, I felt like I was being attacked. It wasn’t fair for me to immediately get accused of doing something wrong. What are your thoughts on that?”
We empathize. But we also stand up for ourselves kindly, gently, firmly and matter-of-fact. Never in a butthurt or “I’m the victim” kind of way.
Remember: you are someone worthy of respect. And she won’t give it to you unless you give it to yourself first.
Key tip: Use the word “I feel” instead of “I think.” “I feel” softens what you’re saying, lets you communicate what you need to without making it feel like an attack on her. Women communicate emotionally, men communicate logically. And arguments are all about heightened EMOTIONS. So meet her where she’s at.
Share your experience of the situation, what you were thinking. Don’t blame her for not understanding, or say she’s being stupid.
If you do it right, and if your partner cares about you, then she’ll naturally validate and empathize with you. She’ll understand where YOU’RE coming from.
See the example from my God of War: Ragnarok playthrough.
Step 4) Figure Out The Learning Lesson
If you do the above done right: the issue should be hashed out, both parties should feel heard, and any needed apologies would be made.
Now I’d say: “I care about us and our relationship. How should we handle this in the future?”
If she offers something on her side, thank her for sharing. Then offer a suggestion on your end as well. If she doesn’t, offer a suggestion for yourself, then one for her.
For example I’d say: “I’ll be more mindful of your feelings next time, and make sure you feel included especially when its your idea. And maybe on your end if you communicated what you want more clearly, it’ll help me clearly understand what you’re looking for. What’re your thoughts on that?”
You and her are a team to work through the issue. Never forget. And she should feel like she can trust you to handle whatever problem life throws at you guys.
As a young man, you accept life’s challenges and guide you and your lady through them.
After the argument say:
“I care about us and our relationship. How should we handle this in the future?”
Conclusion:
The 4 steps to fixing an argument with your girlfriend are:
1) Validation & Empathy
2) Curiosity
3) Share Your Side
4) Learning Lesson
Imagine a life where every argument we have ends lovingly with our girl feeling closer to us. Where the sex gets better, where she respects us more. Where she tells her friends how great of a communicator you are. Where she’s never passive-aggressive and only loving. Where you feel like you can stand up for yourself without making her mad. That’s what’s possible.
I’m a psychiatrist who’s been through this, and help gamers with their own relationship issues. Now I specialize in treating Young Men & Gamers with Depression, Anxiety, ADHD and Video Game Addiction. CLICK HERE to book your free consult call.
Check out my MEDIA page for more content like this.
Remember, real life is the video game.
So let’s level up.
Agam
PS: Here’s more of my content on arguments to keep leveling up.
Atreus Communicates His Needs in An Argument
